The Amazing Animal Musical Show

Jokes that either have animals or are about animals.

The Amazing Animal Musical Show
The Amazing Animal Musical Show A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bartender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?" The bartender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing music. The bartender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said, "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?" The bartender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano.  The bartender smiled and told the man that he was impressed. A man in a suit with a cane walked into the bar, saw the small animals, and offered to buy them for $2 million. The owner said no, but he offered to sell the frog for $500k. The rich man agreed, took the frog, and left. The bartender couldn't believe the owner just did that and said "Why did you just sell the frog?! There is no singer now!" The owner laughed and said, "Don't worry, the rat is a ventriloquist."
The Bear and His Freezer
The Bear and His Freezer A polar bear carries a large freezer into an ice factory. On his way inside, he's stopped by a penguin wearing a tie and a name tag and carrying a clipboard. "Why are you bringing a freezer into an ice factory??" The penguin asked. "I'm a new hire," the polar bear replied, "I brought it with me because back home it freezes EVERYTHING. I thought it'd help me do my new job better." "Oh....Oh!" The penguin says, "I get it. I think there must be a misunderstanding. You brought it to 'make' the ice but it's your job to 'BREAK' the ice." "Oh." Said the Polar Bear. Then after a small pause he says, "So, why did the polar bear carry a freezer into the ice factory?"
Funny Poem: The Three Little Pigs
Funny Poem: The Three Little Pigs The animal I really dig, Above all others is the pig. Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever, Pigs are courteous. However, Now and then, to break this rule, One meets a pig who is a fool. What, for example, would you say, If strolling through the woods one day, Right there in front of you you saw A pig who'd built his house of STRAW? The Wolf who saw it licked his lips, And said, 'That pig has had his chips.' 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The little pig began to pray, But Wolfie blew his house away. He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham! Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!' And though he ate the pig quite fast, He carefully kept the tail till last. Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated. Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted Another little house for pigs, And this one had been built of TWIGS! 'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!' 'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!' 'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!' The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!' He then began to blow and blow. The little pig began to squeal. He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal! Why can't we talk and make a deal? The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!' And soon the pig was in his belly. 'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried, 'But still I'm not quite satisfied! I know how full my tummy's bulging, But oh, how I adore indulging.' So creeping quietly as a mouse, The Wolf approached another house, A house which also had inside A little piggy trying to hide. 'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried. 'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied. 'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff, And I don't think you've got enough.' Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew. The house stayed up as good as new. 'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said, I'll have to blow it up instead. I'll come back in the dead of night And blow it up with dynamite!' Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!' Then, picking up the telephone, He dialed as quickly as he could The number of red Riding Hood. 'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who? Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?' Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood! Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?' 'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied. 'What's on your mind...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried. 'I know you've dealt with wolves before, And now I've got one at my door!' 'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet, That's something really up my street. I've just begun to wash my hair. But when it's dry, I'll be right there.' A short while later, through the wood, Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood. The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze, And yellowish, like mayonnaise. His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw, And spit was dripping from his jaw. Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers. She draws the pistol from her knickers. Once more she hits the vital spot, And kills him with a single shot. Pig, peeping through the window, stood And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!' Ah, Piglet, you must never trust Young ladies from the upper crust. For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes, Not only has two wolfskin coats, But when she goes from place to place, She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELING CASE.
The Exotic Breakfast
The Exotic Breakfast A man is walking along the street one morning, feeling hungry. He sees a sign in the window of a restaurant that says, "Try our Exotic Breakfast now" so he walks in and sits down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what he wants. The man asks, "What's your Exotic Breakfast?" "Baked tongue of chicken," she proudly replies The man shouts, "Baked tongue of chicken! Have you any idea how disgusting that is? I'd never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth! Urrghhh!!" The waitress is a little taken aback, but stays calm and asks him, "No problem, sir. What would you prefer, then?" The man says, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
The Animal Comedy Competition
The Animal Comedy Competition The animal kingdom had become overpopulated. The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half. All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came. All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing. He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down... ...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again. It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act. The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art. Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait. It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke? was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion. Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?" "What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
The Elephant Scheme
The Elephant Scheme A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants. "An elephant?" The zoo director asks. "Yes, the biggest one you have, please", the man says, quite certain. "I mean, we can do that", the director muses, "But it won't be cheap. That's $5,000 per day of rental alone and an additional $4,000$ for transportation. And you'll need to feed the elephant on your own bill, too." "That will not be a problem", the man says. "I'll just need him for a day, so here's $10,000 for your troubles." With that settled, the elephant gets transported to the mans address. "Very good. Put him in the bedroom on the second floor", the man orders. The personnel tries to get the elephant into the house, but he just doesn't fit through the door. Without hesitation, the man calls a construction company and rents a crane to get the elephant up, through the dismantled window and then re-seal the window at horrifyingly high cost. "You know what, it is none of my business", the zoo director asks at this point, "but I must know: What is this for?" "Well, you see", the man explains, "My wife's brother is living with us and he's a horrible know-it-all. Every quiz show we watch, he blurts out the answers before we can even take a guess. Every morning, he solves our crossword puzzles. He has beaten me fifteen times in a row at Trivial Pursuit. But this evening. This evening he will go upstairs, come back down and say: 'Hey, guess what, there's an elephant in my bedroom.' And I won't even look up from my book and just say 'Yes I know.'"
Working at The Circus
Working at The Circus So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”. Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the heck. I’m pretty talented.” and calls the circus. A lady answers him. “Hello,” she says. “Hi, is this the circus?” “Yes.” “I’ve heard you’re hiring.” “You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?” “Alex.” “Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?” “Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.” “O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...” “No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!” “Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...” “No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!” “...” “...” “Goodbye, sir.” She hangs up the phone. Alex sits there for a few seconds before he realizes he forgot something. “Oh darn! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”
Little Johnny Buys a Horse
Little Johnny Buys a Horse Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
The Cat Poem
The Cat Poem Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, and sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, and someone nice to scratch my back, for windowsills all warm and bright, for shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay cool, and keep the secret feline rule, To never tell a human that the world is really ruled by cats!
How to Give a Cat Its Pill
How to Give a Cat Its Pill How to give a cat a pill: 1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water. 8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 10. Take the cat to the vet to get its pills from now on.
I Swear, He Can Talk!
I Swear, He Can Talk! A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office. "All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, what's your talent?" asks the agent. The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out." "No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?" "Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail. "Listen, pal..." says the agent. "Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "How does sandpaper feel?" "Rough!" exclaims the dog. "Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the agent. "One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?" "Ruth!" barked the dog. "Okay, that's it!" says the agent, and forces the man and the dog out the door. Turning to the man, the dogs sighs and says: "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"
The Three Expensive Monkeys
The Three Expensive Monkeys A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets. He sees a monkey with a price of $5,000 and goes to the merchant to ask for details. "Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money?" "Well, it knows Windows 7 and windows 10, and also knows Word, C++, .net, app programming, and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games." "Wow good monkey, it's worth the money." He goes and finds another monkey with a price of $10,000 and again he will ask the merchant. "What does this monkey know?" "It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad." "Wow, even I don't know those things." On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price $20,000. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. "And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money?" "ITp be honest, I've never seen her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager."
A Tiny Witness
A Tiny Witness A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving." motioned the monkey.
An Elephant Never Forgets
An Elephant Never Forgets An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log. The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?" The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago." The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!" "Yes," said the elephant, proudly. "Turtle recall."
The Small Bells
The Small Bells A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way." His tone turns serious. "However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately!” “So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers. “It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
A Prawn's Journey
A Prawn's Journey Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area. Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time." As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark. Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend. As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached. It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more. With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again." Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner." Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."
Fishing Drunk
Fishing Drunk A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it. As he does so, a loud voice from above says, "There are no fish down there." So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole. As he peers into it he again hears a voice say, "There's no fish down there." So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole. Once again the voice says, "There's no fish down there." The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," says the voice. "It's the rink manager."
Something Wrong With the Horse
Something Wrong With the Horse A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it. The farmer said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy said, "He looks just fine. Tell you what, I'll give you $1,000 for him." The farmer again said, "Sorry, he's not for sale. He doesn't look too good." The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500. The farmer said, "Well, he doesn't look so good but if you want him that much he's yours." So the guy bought the horse and took him home. The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, "Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!" The farmer calmly said, "I told you he didn't look too good, didn't I?"
Does Your Dog Bite?
Does Your Dog Bite? A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, he doesn’t bite.” The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch,” says the man, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!” “That’s not my dog."
The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear
The Priest, The Rabbi and the Bear A priest, a rabbi, and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped almost head to toe in a body cast. “Looking back,” he sighs, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
The Tricky Questions...
The Tricky Questions... Jacob was sitting in the hall of the school, bored out of his mind. Suddenly the teacher walked by and he asked her: "How do you put an elephant in the fridge?" The teacher, amused, said "I don't know, how?" Jacob then said "You open the door and put it in there!" Then Jacob asked the teacher another question "How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?" The teacher then replied "Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?" Jacob said "No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there." Then he asked another question: "All the animals went to the tigers birthday party, except one animal, which one was it?" The teacher a bit confused and said "The tiger?" Then the student said "No,the giraffe because he's still in the fridge." Then he asked her just one more question: "If there is a river full of crocodiles and you wanted to get across it,how would you?" The teacher then says: "Well. you would walk over the bridge." Then Jacob says "No, you would swim across because all the crocodiles are at the tiger's birthday party!" She laughs and walks away.
Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats (Just kidding!) 1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 2. Cats look silly on a leash. 3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
Woo Woo!
Woo Woo! A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears. The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. First, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It should also make the same sound back at you. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy, right?" The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says: "I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"
Why We Age the Way We Do
Why We Age the Way We Do On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
The Bear's Feet
The Bear's Feet A man loses his legs in a bear fight Despite this, he wins the fight, and uses the bears legs to replace his own. By the time he gets to a hospital, he has full control over his legs, The doctors tie the legs better, and let him keep them, About a month later, a ringmaster of a freak circus finds him, and offers him a job in the circus. He accepts, and a few months later, is ready for his first act. He walks in front of the audience, and loudly exclaims: 'I will now walk over these hot coals bear-foot!'
The Last Lifeline
The Last Lifeline Irish Bobby went to American for his dream to make a lot of money. Luck striking like lightning, he found himself invited to "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Many questions later and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million dollars, he has only one lifeline left - phone a friend. The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest? A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo Bobby doesn't know so he calls his friend Billy. Billy answers 'by Christ Bobby, it's a cuckoo -  100%.' Bobby goes with the advice his friend gave him and indeed that answer wins the million dollars and he is so very happy. Afterward, Bobby rings Billy and asks him 'How the heck did you know that? You're no bird expert!' 'Well Bobby you idiot," Said Billy, "What an easy question, He lives in a bloody clock, right?"
The Old Rooster vs. The New Rooster
The Old Rooster vs. The New Rooster A farmer had just gotten a new rooster for his hens and the old rooster of many years was worried he would be replaced. However, he had a cunning plan on dealing with this young rival. He went up to the new rooster and said, "Right, I'll make you a deal, let's race for the hens, one lap around the farmhouse. You win, I leave, I win, you leave." The new rooster, being much younger, clearly could see that he would easily beat this old-timer entirely and agreed. "However," the old rooster added. "Since I'm obviously much older, you must wait until I've completed half of the lap before starting so that I have a fair chance." The younger rooster knew that even with that advantage, it was a shoo-in, so he agreed. The race started and the older rooster set off, by the halfway mark he was already huffing and puffing, feeling his age. The younger rooster sped off like a rocket and was quickly catching up. By the time the older rooster was at the three-quarter mark, he was almost out of breath, heaving desperately. The younger rooster was coming up right behind him and was seconds away from beating him. When suddenly "BAM!" The farmer's shotgun rang out, the new rooster collapsed into a bloody heap of feathers. "Damn," the farmer sighed, "Third gay rooster this month."
What Happened to the Alligators?
What Happened to the Alligators? While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted, “There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!” He asks in panic. “No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?” “We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”
The Library, the Chicken and the Frog
The Library, the Chicken and the Frog A chicken walks into the library, marches to the desk, and says: "Book, book, BOOK!" The librarian hands over a couple of novels, and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill. Next day, the chicken is back. Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says, "Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!" The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away. The next day, the chicken comes for a third time. Drops the books on the desk, and says, "Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!" This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond. On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen. The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond's edge, and says, "Book, Book, Book!" The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says: "Read it, read it, read it..."
Animal Heaven
Animal Heaven Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven. As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven. God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?" The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years." God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand." He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?" "I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song." "Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left." God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?" The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."