What happened if vampires came to a big dance? A bat ball.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball? A home run.
Xi and the Chinese Farmer
Xi Jinping, the president of China, went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine and loyal people of China.
The governor: "Fine people sure. Loyal? I don't know."
Xi: "I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?"
Farmer: "I'm a farmer."
Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the government?
Without hesitation the farmer says yes. Xi turns to the governor with a smile. But he does not look convinced.
Xi asks the farmer: "if you had two cars, would you give one to the government?"
Immediate yes from the farmer.
The governor then asks if he may asks a question. Xi agrees.
Governor: "if you had two cows, would you give one to the government."
Farmer: "No. Never. Please don't ask me that."
Xi is confused: "But you'd give a house and car, why not a cow?"
Farmer: "I actually have two cows."
Why would a horse make a good president? They know how to lead.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president? It was a huge end-horse-ment.
When Your Ball Strays
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together to his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him.
"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted, still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside.
She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Who did the goats vote for as president? Billy Clinton.
Men and Women Take Different University Courses
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. Below them are 10 courses the male staff offered right back..
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! She was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back: "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! DON'T SWING!!!"
Three friends go on a hike in a forest. One is a professor, one a CEO, and one a janitor. Suddenly, they encounter a glowing ball of light that resolves itself into a beautiful fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you humans what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day. You will be given all the resources you need.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze.” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He uses the facility to create a huge art exhibit in which he glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, telling the story behind it, then sells it for a million dollars.
After the day way done, the fairy congratulates the janitor.
"But how come you could do all that?" She asks him curiously.
The janitor shrugged. “I have a masters degree in art.”
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Fine, fine, just be quiet."
A few weeks later the husband arrives early again. The lover, now practiced, dives into the closet just in time. He breathes heavily, then hears a sudden rustle behind him.
"Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover sighs. "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Kim Jong-Un and Vladimir Putin were having a summit meeting at a 20-story building.
During a break, the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said: "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears: "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said: "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied: "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering.
"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."
The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"
The father replies, "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The wife and daughter are NOT amused by the father had said, so the daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?"
The mother smiles and says, "Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch, flexible but reliable. But after 50, it's like a Christmas tree."
The daughter laughs. "A Christmas tree??"
The mother replies, "Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"
Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles, looking at many things. After some time passes, the sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.
Dumbfounded, she says, "Sir, I don't want to be nosy and feel free not to answer me... but thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife. You don't seem to have any and you bought some other, seemingly random things. What gives?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this...
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because "it's sooooooo much cheaper". So, I figure if I have to roll my own - so does she."
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
As this was going on, an angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away! A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited, his mouth open in shock.
The angel was a little shocked as well. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it... who is he going to tell?!?"
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large.
"Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."
What's the difference between ginger pussy and a bowling ball? You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball? You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys? After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
The Pirate and the Hook
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate...
"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"
"Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."
Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.
Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.
The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it. Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.
When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus sighed and turned to the old man:
"Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around we won’t bring you next time."
What did the baseball glove say to the ball? Catch ya later.
The Fortune Teller and the Bad News
During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,
"Will I be acquitted?"
One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give 50,000 pounds to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now 100,000 pounds to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. But still, the firefighters could not get through.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire brigade, composed mainly of old men over 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to 200,000 pounds and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked the chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Paddy, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we're gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody fire truck."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
If you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other, what have you got? A bloody big moth!
What do you call an alien with 3 balls? An extrateresticle.
What do you call a judge with no balls? Justice Prick
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls
What kind of Animal Are You?
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him.
When he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a politician!"
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
The Special Job Conditions
A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?"
The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says "Sorry to hear that... Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The man says: "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I'll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part."
"You misunderstand." Says the interviewer. "This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"
"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"
"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver - what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn't say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let his Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine's rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately. The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine's window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: "Sir, I have a problem."
Sergeant: "What kind of problem?"
Cop: "Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he's someone really important."
Sergeant: "Important like... the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no - a lot more important than that."
Sergeant: "Important like... the governor?"
Cop: "Way more important than that, Sarge."
Sergeant: "Important like... the President?"
Cop: "Even more important than him."
Sergeant: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!"
What is American football called in other countries? 30.48 cm ball.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer? Because she’s always running away from the ball.
The Deaf Mute at the Golf Course
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph".
Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot.
After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. He hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway. It also goes straight at big Ralph, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him down.
The mute then walks down the fairway, rolls the stunned man around, and holds up four fingers to Ralph's face.
A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"
He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until WHACK! He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.
"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"
He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"
"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Putin and the Journalist
With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.
"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise up to the highest office of our great nation and become president?"
President Putin responds immediately with a resounding "NO." without any hesitation, shocking all the reporters.
"Why do you think that Mr. Putin?" the reporter asks, surprised and confused at the blunt dismissal.
Vladimir calmly looks at the reporter and says "Because I am not a woman."
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? The balls are just for decoration.
Why the CIA is Special
The Police Department, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The police go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The CIA goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.
He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!
The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.
When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00
He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."
"Well," said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"
"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.
"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls."
A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"
The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year
for the rest of my life!"
"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.
"Consider it done!" the genie replied.
"And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterward, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said: "How old is your husband anyway?"
"38," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: "How can I help you madam?"
She (Old Lady): "I would like to open a new account and deposit this money."
He: "How much money do you like to deposit?"
She: "$180,000 Please." (Started dumping the whole amount on his table)
The bank president was a bit surprised. "How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!"
She: "Oh, it's nothing illegal. I make bets."
He: "What kind of bets?"
She: "For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I'm right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I'll pay you $10,000!"
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he's a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: "Okay then, I'll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don't try to dodge the bet! No regrets!"
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn't even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn't sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: "Can I check your hands now Sir?"
He: "Yes. Go ahead."
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer's strange behavior.
Lawyer: "She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can't believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!"
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What features does it have?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.
"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Who the Heck Is Mr. Gorsky?
On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were heard by millions of people around the world.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.
On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Make love? You want to make love?! You'll get lovin' when the kid next door walks on the moon!!"
A Catholic goes to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man.
"Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man.
"Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the feckin' putt, didn't you?"
It was 1990 and Mikhail Gorbachev called POTUS Bush Sr. to request help with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. “This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Gorbachev, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.' replied the President.
"I do need help," said Gorbachev . "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Gorbachev .
"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter?" said Gorbachev .
"No problem." replied the President and, with that, Bush hung up and called the President of condom company, "I need a favour, you've got to send 100,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10 inches long and 3 inches in diameter."
"Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said Bush.
"I want each to say 'Made in the USA, Size: Small"
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone!'
'No more headaches??' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache' 'I do not have a headache' ' I do not have a headache.' Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
"That's wonderful!' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
A little less enthused, the husband agrees to try it and goes a few days later.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back, and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up, and her head is spinning. 'OH MY GOD!!' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' 'She's not my wife' . 'She's not my wife.'
His funeral service will be held on Saturday.
A famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus, is sitting in a bar drinking with Stevie Wonder. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf?"
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." says Stevie.
"You... you play golf!?" asks a dumbfound Jack.
Stevie says, "Sure, I've been playing for years."
"But... forgive me," Says a baffled Nicklaus. "I thought you were blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Stevie Wonder smiles. "No offense taken. It's an understandable question. What I do is I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." He explains.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wonders.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
"And what is your handicap?" Jack asks.
"I play off scratch." Stevie assures him.
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is fine with me."
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president? Barack Ollama.
The Most Social Person
Dave is a good worker, social and nice, but he keeps missing all company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation why Dave can't be a team player and come.
"I'm sorry Boss," Said Dave, "I'm just so busy with all the people I already know, sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know. Anyone famous at least."
"What do you mean?!?" Asks the boss with derision. "Who can you possibly know?"
"Name someone famous," shrugged Dave, "I'll bet you I know him."
Amused, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about... Tom Cruise? You know Tom Cruise, Dave?" He smirks.
"Oh yeah boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Though impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Trump," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss's side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team? It was a ball hogger.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
Son of a Preacher Man
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! 'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business-man, and that would be okay, too. 'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be. 'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher whispered in horror, 'He’s going to be the next president!'
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance? To the snow-ball.
Mr. Putin Goes to School
One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, not every day they get to raise a question before the President of Russia.
"Yes, cute girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with braids, who began to speak, saying, "Hello, Mr. President. My name is Sasha and I wanted to know: Do you think one day Russia will return to itself as the Soviet Union, In the past? "
"Of course," Putin replied. "It is only a matter of time before all the countries of Eastern Europe, and even the countries of the world, understand that it is in their favor."
"Yes cute boy, next question please," Putin said, pointing to a boy with freckles, who said, "Hello Mr. President. My name is Arkady and I wanted to know: what is the secret of your success? Because you are the most powerful and important man in all of Russia."
"The truth is," Putin said, "I am the most powerful and important man in the whole world, and the secret of my success is that I just know what is good for everyone, so everyone trusts me to run the country for the best."
"Do you have any more questions?" Putin wondered, then pointed to a blond boy raising his hand.
The boy spoke and said: "Hello Mr. President. My name is Boris and I wanted to know why Russia is sending troops to Ukraine and why we have annexed the Crimean peninsula from Ukraine to us?".
A moment after Boris finished asking his question the break bell suddenly rang, and everyone went out for lunch.
When the break was over, Putin and all the children returned to the lecture hall.
"Yes sweet girl," Putin said, pointing to a girl with short hair who stood up.
"Hello Mr. President. My name is Katya and I wanted to know where Boris is?"
A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller and asks him what his future would look like if he became an artist.
To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large pipe, takes a hit, then looks into her crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."
So the businessman asks him about his second choice, carpentry.
The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball, and says "better, but still not good."
Finally, the businessman asks him how his life would go if he became an accountant.
The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball and says "best choice so far, but don't you have larger hopes than that?"
The businessman says "thank you madam, how much do I owe you?"
The fortune teller replies, "You asked three questions, so that will be three thousand dollars."
"Three thousand dollars!" the businessman exclaims, "but I was only here for a few minutes!"
The fortune teller points to her pipe and says "this stuff's not cheap, but to be honest I do keep most of it. You're a businessman, you understand."
When the businessman gets home, he sees his wife and he says "honey, I'm going into the fortune-telling business."
"Why's that?" she asks.
He replies, "the high prophet margin!"
Why are frogs good at baseball? Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
The Religious Tennis Match
A bishop and a bishop are having a tennis match.
The bishop is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the priest who is clearly better. After a volley from the priest, the bishop misses and yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”, startling the priest. He lets it slip and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the priest, the bishop misses and again yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”
“Stop it” yells the priest. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!”
The bishop apologizes. “I’m sorry, my son. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough.” grumbles the priest, and the match continues.
It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the bishop misses and slips again, shouting “God*amn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the ball midair.
A thundering voice emits from the skies...
“Da*n it! I missed!”
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
An Old Husband and Wife Discuss Golf
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball." his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.