Sex Jokes

“Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.”- James Arthur Baldwin
"If you’re given the choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal." ~ Katharine Hepburn
"The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." ~ Brendan Behan
"I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet." ~ Sex and the City
Hey Steve, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do.
Great, can you please get laid more often?
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?”

The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
“Giant pandas eat constantly, poop 40 times a day and don't have a lot of sex...I've never felt such a connection to an animal."
- Renee Hooray
Wanna know how I know we're going to have sex? Because I'm stronger.
Want to get some donut and coffee, and perhaps sex after?
Sex is like donut, you know its bad for you, but it feels so good. Want some donut?
Without women sex would be a pain in the ass.
Why do bunnies have soft se*?
They have cotton balls.
Police have arrested a man for having se* with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
The Golfer and the Grateful Leprechaun A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got ol' Paddy here fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And then he just walks off. "Wow, what a nice guy!" the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic love life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer says cheerfully. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer love life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm just wanting to know if I did a good job here. How many times a week do ya do the deed?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
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