Future Jokes

The Businessman and the Fortune Teller A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller and asks him what his future would look like if he became an artist. To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large pipe, takes a hit, then looks into her crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother." So the businessman asks him about his second choice, carpentry. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball, and says "better, but still not good." Finally, the businessman asks him how his life would go if he became an accountant. The fortune teller takes a hit of her pipe, looks into her crystal ball and says "best choice so far, but don't you have larger hopes than that?" The businessman says "thank you madam, how much do I owe you?" The fortune teller replies, "You asked three questions, so that will be three thousand dollars." "Three thousand dollars!" the businessman exclaims, "but I was only here for a few minutes!" The fortune teller points to her pipe and says "this stuff's not cheap, but to be honest I do keep most of it. You're a businessman, you understand." When the businessman gets home, he sees his wife and he says "honey, I'm going into the fortune-telling business." "Why's that?" she asks. He replies, "the high prophet margin!"
Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated

You'd be ahead of your time
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
You look like my future ex wife.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
When I log my run in my journal today, it will say I ran with my future wife today.
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