“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
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