Missed

Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the TV and I missed the whole Titanic movie.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
The Religious Tennis Match
The Religious Tennis Match A bishop and a bishop are having a tennis match. The bishop is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the priest who is clearly better. After a volley from the priest, the bishop misses and yells: “God*amn it! I missed!”, startling the priest. He lets it slip and the match continues. But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the priest, the bishop misses and again yells: “God*amn it! I missed!” “Stop it” yells the priest. “You can’t use the Lords name in vain like that!” The bishop apologizes. “I’m sorry, my son. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.” “Fair enough.” grumbles the priest, and the match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the bishop misses and slips again, shouting “God*amn it! I missed!” Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the ball midair. A thundering voice emits from the skies... “Da*n it! I missed!”
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Yo Mama so stupid she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.