My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
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