Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
I have a heart-on for you.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
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