Don't a tool, read funny puns about tools instead!

What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?

No, with a knife.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What was Jesus Christ's least favourite gun?
A nail gun.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.