Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
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