Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
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