Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.