I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
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