Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
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