When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
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