I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.