One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
How do you call clothings for spoons?
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
What side of the mug is the handle on?
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.