My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers Theres always missing parent.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes... Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother? A parallelogramma
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day? Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing. You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son. Beehive!
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying. At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son... It's a faux pa.
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day.... I hope they meat her expectations
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day. I made several good points.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.” Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it. It was the elephant in the womb.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously. They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller. I prefer the ladder.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?"
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup. I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My mother asked me if my dog was good I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Its hard being a teenage mother Especially when you're a teenage male.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it I told her it’s so he can cut corners
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made. I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth? "I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year? I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,... “...my mother was never a young boy.”
My mom said I have no sense of direction So I packed my bags and right
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother? It'll be covered in grandmoss.