What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."
I think your supposed to use a razor.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.