What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
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