What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
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