What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
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