What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
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