Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
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