The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Caroline raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see New York City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher sighed and said, “Well, that was good Caroline, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, now the teacher knew he was a bit of a scamp, but she was desperate to finish this lessons, so she finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.”
She sighed. "Go head, Johnny."
Little Johnny smiles, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them. "That I'm going to give you a special gift..."
"I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two beautiful figures approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from where shortly there could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches...
The angel, as pure as he was, couldn't hold a somewhat-less-than-holy curiosity, so he crept close and peeked beyond the bushes.
He saw the two of them standing strangely, holding a pigeon.
Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:
"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll do my business on its head."
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."
The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"
The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."
"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
The doctor shrugged, sat down on a stool and yelled out the door, "send in Mrs. Fluffkins!"
In walked a black house cat. The cat jumped onto the examination table, walking carelessly on the unresponsive body of the woman's husband, the cat swatted at the man's face a few times, then jumped off the table, meowed twice and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Walter!"
In walked a Labrador retriever, the dog walked over to the woman's husband, smelled his hand which was dangling from the table. The dog turned to the doctor, his big expressive eyes raised up to meet the doctor's gaze, then the dog shook his head and walked out of the room.
"Just as I thought," said the doctor. "Dead. Send in Collin!"
Suddenly a towering Aussie in safari gear burst into the room. A pair of binoculars hung from a strap around his neck. He pulled them up to his eyes, looked at the husband for a second, then turned to the old woman and yelled, "OY BI**H YA HUSBANDS FU**IN' DEAD" and walked out of the room.
"Thank you Collin," said the doctor, making a note on his clipboard, then yelled down the hall "Ma'am can you come in here?"
A elderly woman walked slowly into the room, peered through her thick glasses at the body of the husband on the exam table, shook her head, then sat down at a typewriter in the corner, clacked away at the keys for a few seconds. Ding. She pulled a card out of the typewriter, and handed it to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the card, "Dead. Thank you ma'am, that'll be all."
The doctor suddenly hopped up from his stool. He picked the stool up by the legs and swung it over his head, crashing the seat down on the body of the husband. The husband's lifeless body flailed under the impact, then settled back to rest on the table. The doctor set the stool down, then jotted something on his clipboard.
"I'm sorry to inform you that your husband is definitely dead." He handed her a piece of paper detailing the test results. "Take this to the front desk and they'll check you out."
The old woman took the slip of paper to the front desk.
The receptionist looked it over, and giving the old woman a sad look said, "I'm sorry for your loss. That will be $32,000."
"32 THOUSAND DOLLARS?!?!? That can't possibly be right, I've never paid that much to see the doctor."
The receptionist looked over the paper again, "Well it's $100 copay for the doctors visit, but then it shows you also requested a cat scan, a lab report, a Collin-oscopy, a ma'am-ogram, and a stool analysis."
A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces.
The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS."
"I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer.
"They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this."
The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off."
"SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to the top and without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives, but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery."
"Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF."
The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, go screw yourself, sir.
The Officer turns around to the American and says, "You see? THAT'S bravery."
A woman overhears her 7 year old son playing with his toy train set.
As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again. "This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the bloody hell off. If this is not your stop, stay the bloody hell on."
Angry that her son used such foul language, she bursts into the room and sends him to his room for an hour of time out.
After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.
Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.
After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen."
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:
"Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"
A large sinkhole opens up on a remote town. An alarming number of people fall into it and injure themselves and it's difficult to get them all to the small hospital they have.
The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree. However, they only have 2 ambulances and they're needed more in the center of the town to get there quickly.
So the mayor gathers the council a second time. The second smartest councilor suggests they close the road between the hole and the hospital so the ambulance can ferry people faster. Everyone nods in deep wisdom. Alas, after a few days it's obviously not really doing much and it just creates more accidents with too many cars on the smaller roads.
Finally they gather for a third time to take drastic measures. The third smartest councilor says they need to tear down the hospital and rebuild it next to the hole.
Finally the mayor can't take it anymore. He slams his fist on the table and yells: "You idiots! Do you know how much moving the hospital will cost?! There's an obvious and easy solution to this problem! We fill in the hole and then we dig a new one next to the hospital!"
The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:
"Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8 month old Labrador retriever.
As Josh strolled along the street, he saw his buddy Michael striding along anxiously with lots of bags in his hands. "Hey Michael, is everything alright? You seem kind of jumpy." Michael set the bags on the ground and said, "Yeah, I was just now at the state-of-the-art supermarket that they launched in the industrial part of the city."
"Oh? What's it like there? I heard it's remarkable."
"Kind of..." Michael replied.
Josh was amazed when Michael described the grocery store with enthusiasm - emphasizing the atmosphere of naturalness and genuineness. You could hear cows mooing and smell the barn in the milk section. In the egg aisle, chickens were cackling and the chicken coop was in the air, and it was even better in the vegetable section - you could literally hear the farmers and smell the fields!
"Wow, that sounds incredible!" Josh exclaimed.
"Well, yes, in principle." said Michael with a grimace, "But this is the last time I'm going there to buy toilet paper."
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker."
"That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
The blonde wife came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her husband noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"
"Not really," she replied. "I'm nauseated from sitting backward on the train."
"Poor dear," he said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"
"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."
A catholic man's lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and planned his lavish trip to Italy.
Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy.
The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible.
The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth!
Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man.
The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind.
He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes.
The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work!
Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered,
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here!"
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "You can have the duck."
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father visited the city for the very first time. They wandered around, marveling at the different sights. Eventually, they got to a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but they were especially amazed at two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son:
"Junior, go get your Mother."
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts.
"Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
I had a phone conversation this morning with a very nice young fella from India.
This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft".
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in India? How's the weather there today?"
" No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning......"
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you-"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer".
"You don't?"
"I don't".
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one".
"Ipad?"
"Nope".
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone".
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and hung up.
It was a sunny day in Rome when the Pope decided that he wants all the Jews out of Rome. Of course, there was a huge protest from the Jewish sector.
So the Pope decided he will give them a chance. He invited them to send their greatest mind for a religious debate with him. If the Jewish man won, the Jews could remain living in the city. If the Pope won, the Jews had to leave. At the Jewish community, they realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too much responsibility, what if they failed? The only one willing was an old man named Moishe.
Being old, he decided he had less to lose. "I've seen and done it a lot in my life. I'm not afraid." he said. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope accepted this, thinking it a wise decision and will prevent them from repeating the same old arguments.
The day of the holy debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for several minutes, contemplating each other.
Then the Pope raised his hand and unfurled them to show three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised just one finger.
The Pope waved his finger in a circle around himself. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat emphatically.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay!'
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was everywhere and will wherever they go from this place. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us, judging us always.
I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me that we are born with original sin.
The man had an answer for everything. What could I do??'
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked.
'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'
'And then?' asked a woman.
'I don't know,' Moishe shrugged. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin.
After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family.
The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?”
“Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.”
“Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”
man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
A small town man decides to go to the city. He's a self sufficient guy so this is a rare occurrence, however finding himself low on essentials he decides there's nothing for it and heads in.
Being something of a special occasion he takes his youngest child with him, thinking it was the perfect chance to show off his knowledge of the world outside to an eager audience. On the trip in, they chatter away until they arrive at their first stop, the bakery. Pulling up, the little one excitedly asks where they are.
"Why this is John the Baker, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any bread, John makes it for him." The little one stares at him wide eyed and asks "is it as good as yours?" With a small grin he replies "No, mine is better!" And off he went to get the bread.
Arriving at their next stop, the little one again queries where they are. "Why this is Ted's Liquor store, youngest. You see, when Dad doesn't make any beer, Ted makes it for him." The little one stares at him, thinking hard, and asks "is it as good as yours?"
With a bigger grin he replies "no, mine is better!" and off he went to get some beer.
At their final stop, the butcher's shop, the little one thinks the world makes a lot more sense now. "So then Dad..." his smallest child begins, and looks at him expectantly.
"Yes that's right little one. This is Tom the Butcher. And when Dad hasn't made any sausages...." he trails off.
"... Tom makes them for you?" She asks hesitantly. "Yes that's right! You are a smart one!" He exclaimed.
"And yours are better!!" She shouts.
Beaming with pride he says "Exactly!" And away he goes to collect some sausages from Tom.
On the road home they pass the postal truck coming the other way. "Hey Dad!" Exclaimed the little one. "It's Pete the Postman!"
"Yes that's right" said the farmer, but sensing what comes next he quickly continued "but we need Pete, your Dad is a farmer and can do a lot of things but I can't do what Pete does."
"Oh yes!" she replied, "Mum says so too!"
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.
After answering all the questions, there is a tie.
So both are given one final assignment.
It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".
It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory.
But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A husband and wife sat down at their table at a coffee shop in New York City.
The wife saw a pretty young woman sitting at a table and wearing the most gorgeous pair of shoes she's ever seen. "I'd love to know where that lady got those shoes," she said to her husband. "Maybe I should ask her."
The husband raises a hand. "Allow me, my love."
The wife beams at him. "What a gentleman! Thanks, sweetie."
The husband walked over to the young woman and asked, "Where did you get those shoes?"
"I got them in a store just around the corner from here," replied the woman.
"Nice. How much were they?"
"Oh, around 500 dollars."
"Thanks for letting me know."
The husband returned to his table and said to his wife, "She got her shoes in Los Angeles."
A new blonde stewardess began her first day.
The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.
The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"
“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”
The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
George came home from University in tears.
"Mom, am I adopted?"
"No of course not!", replied his mother. "Why would you think such a thing?"
George showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.
Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, George has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."
"Well, obviously!" he replied.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"It was your idea in the first place" her husband said. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."
"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of George."
I was sitting in my office when a case came in. So I finished two bottles from it.
Suddenly a tall blonde walked past my window. I knew she was tall because I was on the second floor.
The phone rang and I knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a phone.
It was a girl and she was in trouble. I knew she was, ’cause she said so.
I raced down the stairs and called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk. Then the jerk got out and I got in.
We took the corner at a hundred miles per hour, but a cop stopped us and told us to put the corner back.
Then we were out of the city. I knew it, because we were not hitting so many pedestrians.
As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again.
She had the most beautiful blonde hair I have ever seen – hanging from her left nostril.
She had teeth like the ten commandments – all broken.
She also had the most beautiful eyes – so beautiful that the one eye could not stop looking at the other one.
Suddenly a brick came flying through the window and hit her on the left breast – breaking three of my fingers!
A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.
One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.
A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”
In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”
In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”
As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the fisherman.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."
The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?" asked the fisherman.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"
A man from the city was reporting for a job at a residential home and knocked on the door. The owner wasn't home, but his pet parrot was.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes."
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes.", said the man, starting to feel annoyed.
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes...", said the man, starting to get a little angry.
There was no answer, so he knocks again.
"Who is it?", the parrot said.
"It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!", shouted the man, now quite furious. So furious in fact, that he suddenly had a heart attack and collapsed on the front stairs.
The owners come home and are shocked to find a dead man on their steps. The wife says to the husband, "Well, who is it?"
The parrot then replies, "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!"
One of the Russian Ambassadors comes to President Putin and nervously tells him he'd like to resign.
"Why?" Putin asks him
"Ah, Mr. President, I can't find myself with these time differences!
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
"Well, these are just minor inconveniences! Says Putin. "Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hasn't taken off yet!"
Our story starts a few years ago, as a train is speeding along through the city. Four people sit in one of its compartments: A beautiful, vivacious young woman, an old, matronly woman, a rich man and his servant.
Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap are heard. When the train exits the tunnel, the rich man is holding the side of his face in agony, while the poor man is grinning uncontrollably.
The old matronly woman thinks: "Now that's a fine young woman, the man tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one – and rightly so!"
The young woman thinks: "Now that's a strange man - he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."
The rich man thinks: "Now that's a servant for you, he steals a kiss and I’m the one who gets slapped!"
The servant is thinking: "Good, soon we'll be entering another tunnel, I'll kiss the back of my hand again and slap my boss!”
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They sleep with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "
The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm and grew them. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date."
Four men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said: "My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny", the second man remarked. "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets"
“My goodness,” the third man chimed in. “The same happened to me. My wife had quintuplets after reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”
The fourth man shouted, now looking quite ill, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,
"When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!"
An Army Recruit from the Australian outback sends a letter home:
'Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka show last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.'
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning."
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Actually no," the tourist said, "please get the hell away from my car!"
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.
Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.
The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST PRICES!)"
Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (BEST QUALITY!)
The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"Jackson's clothing store (MAIN ENTRANCE)."
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," said the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'!"
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
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