Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
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