I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
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