What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
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