What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Whatever floats your goat.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
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