Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
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