What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
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