Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
A tiger lost a storytelling competition recently as he has only got one tail.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
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