Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Whatever floats your goat.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
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