My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Why did the kangaroo hesitate?
He didn’t want to jump to a conclusion.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
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