What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
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