Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
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