I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
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