What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
"I need to re-wine my life."
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
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