What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
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