I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
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