Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
"You're the wine that I want."
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
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