Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
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