I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
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