What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
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