What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
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