Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
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