Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
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