Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
"No wine left behind."
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
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