Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
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