How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
"You're the wine that I want."
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
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