To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
We’re a perfect mash.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
"I make pour decisions."
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