What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
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