Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
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