My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
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