How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
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