I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
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