I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
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