Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
"I mead more wine."
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
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