What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
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