Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.