"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What is the best way to make gold soup? By adding 22 carrots in it.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
"You can't sip with us."
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.