Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
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