Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
"I mead more wine."
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
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